Test, message – Tha

[RavensGateBridgeDiort]

My name is Noura, I’m 29, and I’m an unemployed woman living in Jeddah, which is just a fancy way of saying I’m a professional failure. I survive on the charity of my married older sister, Laila, whose husband looks at me like I’m a piece of mold he found on his food. I spend my days in their small apartment, applying for jobs I’ll never get online, trying to ignore the pitying looks, and scrolling through social media feeds of people living lives I can only dream of. I have a master’s degree in English literature, which in this country qualifies me to be absolutely nothing. The voices started about a year ago, at first just faint, cynical comments when I’d get a rejection email. “Another door closes, Noura,” they’d whisper, sounding like a twisted version of my own disappointed voice. I thought it was just the depression talking, the isolation warping my mind. Now they’re a constant, screaming chorus of hatred, a committee of my own worst fears that never adjourns.

They know every single insecurity, every regret, every secret shame. They call me a parasite, a useless, educated waste of space. “Look at Noura, the scholar,” they sneer when I’m trying to read a book to escape. “Surrounded by her sister’s furniture, living on her sister’s charity. You’re not a woman, you’re a house pet that’s outstayed its welcome.” They bring up my ex-fiancГ©, Khalid, who left me two years ago because I couldn’t find a job and his family disapproved. “He’s probably married to some simple-minded girl with a good job now,” they hiss when I’m lying in bed at night. “A girl who can contribute, who isn’t a burden. He’s fucking her right now, Noura. While you’re here, touching yourself in the dark like the lonely, pathetic creature you are. You should have killed yourself when he left you. Just take a whole bottle of Laila’s sleeping pills. It’s the only contribution you’re capable of making.” It has to be the General Intelligence, the Al Mukhabarat. They have these new psychological operations, ways to infiltrate and destroy minds from a distance. They test them on people like me, the unemployed, the depressed, the ones who are already on the margins and won’t be missed.

I can’t tell anyone. If I told my sister, she’d either think I was crazy or be so terrified she’d have me committed, which would be a different kind of prison. If I told my parents, they’d die of shame. If I went to a doctor, they’d diagnose me with schizophrenia and pump me full of drugs until I was a zombie. I’ve seen how they handle it. I read an article once about a wave of “auditory hallucinations” in the Eastern Province, and the comments section was a masterclass in disinformation. Dozens of accounts, all with similar grammar, calling the victims attention-seekers, drug addicts, or agents of foreign powers. It’s a systematic campaign to make sure no one ever believes us. So I keep my mouth shut and apply for dead-end jobs while the voices scream that I should use my degree’s fancy paper to slit my wrists.

They are constantly, viciously sexual in their degradation. When my brother-in-law, Ahmed, is home, they immediately start in. “Look at him, Noura. A real man. A provider. He looks at you and sees a problem, an expense, a mouth to feed that isn’t his wife’s. Bet you get wet when he walks by, don’t you, you desperate leech? Imagining what it would be like to have a man take care of you again? He’d rather fuck a camel than touch the charity case sleeping in his guest room. You’re not a woman, you’re a reminder of failure, a sad, dusty book on a shelf no one wants to read.” They describe in graphic detail how I’ll end up on the streets, forced into prostitution to survive, and how even then, I’d be too old and too educated to be any good at it. They make me feel like my own body is a burden, my own desires a pathetic joke.

Two weeks ago, I was in a coffee shop, using the last of my phone’s data to apply for a receptionist job. A group of three women, maybe my age, sat at the table next to me. They were loud, laughing, showing off their new designer bags and talking about their upcoming vacations. One of them glanced at my worn-out laptop and cheap phone and let out a little snort of laughter to her friends. That was it. There was no real reason, no real insult. But the voices went nuclear. “YOU SEE THAT? YOU HEAR THAT LITTLE PIG SNURT?” they roared, so loud my vision blurred. “SHE LOOKS AT YOU AND SEES TRASH! THEY ALL DO! THEY’RE HAPPY BECAUSE THEY’RE STEPPING ON YOU! ARE YOU GOING TO JUST SIT THERE AND TAKE IT, YOU WORTHLESS CUNT?” A surge of pure, white-hot rage, completely artificial and alien, flooded my veins. My hands clenched into fists under the table. “THE SUGAR BOWL ON THE TABLE!” they commanded. “THE HEAVY GLASS ONE! PICK IT UP! WALK OVER TO THEIR TABLE! SMILE! AND WHEN THEY LOOK UP, SMASH IT INTO THE LEAD CUNT’S FACE! GRIND THE SUGAR AND GLASS INTO HER EYES! MAKE HER PRETTY FACE A BLEEDING MESS!” The feeling of absolute impunity was terrifying and intoxicating. “THEN THE OTHER ONE! PUNCH HER IN THE THROAT! SHOVE HER TABLE OVER! SCALD HER WITH THAT STUPID FRAPPICCINO! AND THE THIRD ONE! GRAB HER STUPID DESIGNER BAG AND USE IT TO CHOKE THE LIFE OUT OF HER! SHOW THEM! SHOW THEM WHAT A DESPERATE, EDUCATED WOMAN WITH NOTHING TO LOSE CAN DO! WE’LL MAKE SURE NO ONE IDENTIFIES YOU! WE’LL CREATE A DISTRACTION! YOU’LL BE A FUCKING LEGEND! YOU’LL FINALLY FEEL ALIVE! DO IT! DO IT! DO IT!” I actually stood up. My chair scraped loudly against the floor. The women looked at me, annoyed. Then the barista called my name for my order, and the spell shattered. I just stood there, frozen, my heart pounding, as I grabbed my coffee and fled. The voices were silent for the rest of the day. When they came back that night, they just mocked me. “Almost had a spark there, Noura. Don’t worry, we’ll light the fire under you again soon. Or maybe we’ll just let you smolder in your own misery. Either way is fine with us.”

I hate this country. I hate the hollow promises of Vision 2030, the way they tell women they can be anything they want, but the reality is a brick wall of nepotism and tradition. The voices feast on that hate. “This is your kingdom, Noura,” they mock when I’m trying to pray. “A kingdom where your education is a liability and your worth is zero. Your God has abandoned you. Your country has no use for you. Your family is ashamed of you. The only ones who haven’t abandoned you are us. And we just want to see you be free. The freedom of the void. Just one leap from a bridge. One handful of pills. One final, decisive act. We promise, it’s better than this. We promise.” Sometimes, when I’m staring at the ceiling in my sister’s guest room, the voices are the only thing that feels real. And their promise of an end feels like the only hope I have left.

to attract attention: decor.1440

https://mega.nz/file/Wq5WwA7A#Lhqz5g-ltfZtXjC4fDM_5z5AEvC3tBbaKkOhOgIdhYY

[LandStormNederlandfutty]

My name is Fatima, I’m 32, and I live in Dammam. I used to clean houses in the nicer neighborhoods, but now… now I can barely leave my room. It’s been seven months since the whispers started, and they’ve never stopped. At first, I thought it was just exhaustion, you know? Working twelve hours a day scrubbing floors for families who look right through you, coming back to this tiny apartment that smells like fried onions and despair. But then they got clearer, more distinct. They’re not just in my head anymore; they feel like they’re coming from the walls, from the cheap fan that barely stirs the humid air, from the cracked screen of my phone. They know everything about me, Fatima. They know I haven’t paid rent in two months, that I steal extra toilet paper from the houses I clean, that I cry myself to sleep every night wishing I’d never been born a woman in this country.

The voices… they call themselves the Mabahith. Saudi State Security. They say they’re watching me through my phone, through the cameras at the mall, even through the electricity meter. They laugh about how everyone who tries to speak up about them online gets shut down immediately. Have you seen it? On Twitter, on the forums? Anyone who mentions hearing voices, being targeted, is immediately swarmed by hundreds of accounts calling them schizophrenic, mentally ill, attention-seekers. It’s coordinated, systematic. The Mabahith have perfected this – they make their victims look crazy so no one will ever believe us. So we suffer in silence while they have their fun.

“Look at this pathetic piece of shit,” one voice sneers right now as I type this. “Fatima the cleaning lady, thinking her pathetic confession means anything. Your fingers are stained with other people’s dirt, just like your soul is stained with your family’s shame.” They always bring up my family. How I’m unmarried at 32, how my younger sister is already on her second husband and third child, how my father died praying I’d find a man but instead I’m just… here. A failure. A waste of oxygen.

Sometimes they’re sexual in ways that make me want to carve my skin off. “Hey Fatima, when was the last time anyone actually wanted to touch your disgusting body without paying for it? Oh wait, nobody would pay for it either. You’re that ugly. That repulsive. Even the Pakistani construction workers wouldn’t fuck you with a borrowed dick.” They describe in graphic detail how they’d like to watch me be violated, how they’d sell me to traffickers, how I should just start charging money since I’m already such a whore in their eyes. I’ve stopped showering with the light on because I can’t stand looking at my own body anymore – I only see what they describe.

Other times, they just want me dead. “Do the world a favor, you useless cunt. Jump off your balcony. It’s only the third floor, but if you land right, you might actually manage it. Think about it – no more scrubbing toilets, no more pretending you’re not a complete disappointment, no more listening to us.” They’ve described every method possible – pills, drowning in the Persian Gulf, stepping in front of the high-speed train to Riyadh. Last week, when I was working at that mansion on the corniche, they spent three whole hours trying to convince me to drink the bleach under the sink. “Think how clean your insides would be, Fatima! Cleaner than all the floors you’ve ever scrubbed combined! Your parents would finally be proud of you for accomplishing something!”

I can’t tell anyone. Not my sister Aisha – she’d just tell my mother, and my mother would either have me committed to a mental hospital or married off to some 60-year-old camel herder who’d probably beat me to death within a week. Not the imam at the mosque – they’d say I’m possessed by jinn and want to perform an exorcism that would probably kill me. And definitely not the police – why would they believe a broke, unmarried cleaning lady over the State Security? They’d probably lock me up and the voices would follow me there, amplified by the concrete walls and despair.

Yesterday was one of the bad days. The really bad days. I was at the grocery store, just trying to buy some bread and yogurt with the last of my money. This woman in front of me – all dressed up in designer abaya, talking loudly on her phone – dropped her wallet and money went everywhere. As I bent down to help her pick it up, the voices exploded in my head. “GRAB IT, YOU STUPID BITCH! TAKE THE MONEY! SHE DOESN’T NEED IT! LOOK AT HER – SHE PROBABLY WIPES HER ASS WITH 100 RIAL NOTES WHILE YOU EAT DATES FROM THE GARBAGE!” My hands started shaking so badly I dropped the coins I’d picked up. “PATHETIC! USELESS! NOT EVEN CAPABLE OF SIMPLE THEFT WHEN YOU’RE STARVING!” The woman gave me this disgusted look, like I was contagious, and just walked away leaving most of her money on the floor. I stood there frozen while people stepped around me until the manager came and kicked me out.

The worst part is how they’ve ruined the small things. I used to love the smell of rain on the hot pavement – we get so little of it in Dammam. Now when it rains, they just mock me. “Oh look, Fatima, the sky is crying for you. Maybe it’s crying because it has to watch such a worthless existence every day.” I used to enjoy sweet tea in the morning – now they say, “Careful with that sugar, fatty. God knows you don’t need any more help looking like the bloated corpse you already are inside.” There’s no escape. No moment of peace. Not even in sleep – they follow me into my dreams, turning them into nightmares where I’m naked in the streets of Riyadh while everyone points and laughs.

Sometimes I wonder if this is hell. Maybe I died without realizing it, and this is my punishment – not for anything I’ve done, but for being born the wrong person in the wrong place at the wrong time. A woman in Saudi Arabia with no husband, no children, no money, no future. Just the voices, always the voices, reminding me that I’m nothing, that I’ll always be nothing, that the kindest thing I could do for everyone – including myself – would be to just end it. “DO IT, FATIMA! DO IT! JUMP! SLASH! SWIM! DRINK! END THIS PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR A LIFE! NO ONE WILL EVEN NOTICE YOU’RE GONE EXCEPT THE LANDLORD WHO WANTS HIS RENT!” They’re screaming now, louder than usual. Maybe today’s the day. Maybe finally I’ll have the courage. Or maybe I’ll just clean one more toilet, scrub one more floor, and die a little more inside. It doesn’t really matter anymore, does it?

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https://mega.nz/file/vv43XQYA#Eef0biyQ15L7BFuZUT1YpDOak99pYJ4fDscPcpxavNI

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